Just when I think I have things figured out and I am confidant that I am heading my life in the right direction I break down and freak out that everything is all wrong.  Today it really hit me.  Katie and I were casually talking about things and I almost started forming tears in my eyes because I just don't know what I'm doing.  Yes, I realize this is a 'normal' feeling for those my age.  however, how fucking long am I going to have to go through this and ride the roller coaster of ups and downs between my life?  
My dilemma - am I indeed going into the right profession?  Do I really want to travel and work all over?  Do i want to have children (not sure where the whole spouse thing will, if ever, come into play)?  Do I only want to have oh maybe max 2 weeks of vaca a year and be fine with that?  Do I want to do the same job 12 months a year and not be able to switch it up with camp - like I do now?  Do I need to make more than $60,000 a year to truly be happy?  Will I really make a difference in the world if I go into Public Policy?  Will I feel accomplished when I finally get my degree and not feel like a 'slacker' anymore?
I have no clue.  My fear is that if I have all that I will still be searching for something more, never truly being happy with what is there.   I try to be all "oh whatever happens happens- it was meant to be"  but I can't.  I want to know, I need to know. 
I think about my parents who tell me I over analyze it all and just don't see or understand what my problem is.  My problem is is that there are too many choices to make.  My mother was married at the age of 19, had me when she was 20 and was a stay at home mother.  She wanted to go to school though found that her role at home was more important and never questioned it nor does she regret.  Back then, even only 25 yrs ago, that was the norm.  Rarely woman went into the work place and then had men to support them.  My parents raised me to be a very independent person, and I, myself, have taken that quite a few levels above.  I'm too independent for my own good at times.  I would never be able to stay at home with children - cooking & cleaning.  bleh.  I also would never be able to have someone fully supporting me either.  I like MY own money - I'm selfish that way.
SO what to do .  Do I waste all this money on a degree I may not even like just for the sake of having a degree and being able to mark something off my "things to do before I die" list?  I have a good job now and would probably make about the same amount of money once I have invested $100,000 for a piece of paper.  I want to travel and don't' want to be tied down by corporate rules regarding time off.  I want to be able to wear comfortable clothes to work.  I want to have a normal job where I am not working 10 hrs/day.  I want to have time for family, friends - HELL even myself.  I want to know that I will succeed. 
Truly, I just want to run away and not look back.  I feel myself becoming someone I never wanted to become....  it scares me. 
I think I'll go in the corner and cry myself to sleep now and temporarily silence my never ending thoughts.... 

SO I was re-reading my essay's that I sent to Mills the other night and found a couple mistakes and then I found a BIG one.  A big big one!  They probally think I'm an idiot.  One of the questions asks how going to Mills will help you acheive your goals - so I was saying how they have cross enrollment with Berkley; which offers Scandinavian Studies.  I went to say that that was perfect b/c I plan to get a degree in Scandi Studies and something about working on my Swedish Language skills then in the next line talk about doing a FINNISH EMPHASIS!!!!  OMG!  What an idiot.  I gave it to two people to read and I read it like 5+ times and never caught it!  Stupid stupid stupid! 

Oh well..what can you do - the ball is in their court.  I hope I get in though.  Especially after all this fricken snow we got here today!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!!